Funk

FUNK. Not that other word. 😮

funk

noun

he was in a funk because his wife ran out on him: A (STATE OF) DEPRESSION, a bad mood, a low, the dumps, the doldrums, a blue funk.

I really do strive for honesty here. If I ever write fiction, you’ll know it. There’s no fiction to the fact that I’ve really been struggling with the doldrums lately, a real blue funk if you will. The reasons for this low can be counted on several fingers:

  1. I miss my mom. I miss her and I regret a lot of things about the last few years she was here. I regret not being as patient as I should have been. I regret wasting time thinking more of myself than her. I regret getting angry when she would offer advice without my asking. I catch myself doing the same thing with my daughter, and I see the same frustration on her face that I felt when I was in her shoes. The fact is, we moms are at loose ends when our kids grow up. It’s difficult to shut off the “mom switch” when our kids grow up, and it’s hard to accept that we aren’t needed as much as we were when they were younger.
  2. I miss the younger me. I miss the legal secretary that juggled the work and phone calls of three sharp lawyers and a very sharp legal assistant, prepared PTO (Patent and Trademark Office) filing packets, managed to squeeze in lunch, and still made all the deadlines on her docket calendar. I struggle to get the laundry done, the pantry stocked, dinner cooked, and my small business running. I struggle to find time for the things that don’t seem important, but are important to ME. Things like organizing my family photos (both mine and those from my mom). Things like spending more time writing, both for the magazine and the novel I started a ridiculous number of years ago. This funk, though. It just sucks the energy out of me and it’s hard to work on those things when so many things are screaming for my attention. (See Reason #1 above — I never understood why my mom struggled with getting things done. Now I do.)
  3. I struggle with worrying about the future. I am not a numbers person by any stretch of the imagination, but in more recent years my mind plays a little math “game” that I really don’t want to play. When I hear of someone passing away (dying, if we’re blunt), I immediately calculate how much older they were than I am now. Someone’s Aunt Mabel passed away at 74? She was only 21 years older than me. That’s not that many years, especially when I think of how quickly the last 21 years have flown by. Do I have 21 years left? Is that enough time to do what I want/need to do? I am a Christian and I have put my faith in Jesus. I know others who say the same and say they can’t wait to go on to be with the Lord. I get it. I really do. But I still struggle with wanting to see my daughter marry and have children, with wanting to go on many more road trips with my husband. And then guilt sets in because it sounds as though I am putting my family here ahead of the Lord. Is it any wonder that I’m struggling with a funk, the doldrums, a depression?

A couple of weeks ago I got off to a roaring start, blogging almost every day for a week. And then we lost our golden retriever. And then I had a lot going on and then the funk I’d been running from caught up with me and I’ve had a hard time thinking of something interesting or entertaining to write. I knew if I didn’t write something, the days were going to stretch into weeks and then this blog would be neglected for months again.

I am working on getting ahead of the funk. Of choosing joy. Because the Lord’s joy is my strength. I just have to keep reminding myself of that and keep putting my trust in Him.

8 thoughts on “Funk

  1. Laura, I always enjoy reading your writings and truly sorry you’re in a funk. Reading and relating so much to what you’re going through. I know that “numbers game” and find myself doing the same thing. I watch Ashley struggle through the same things that we did — juggling a career, family, ups and downs with children. I miss the hustle and bustle at times but on the flip side, I am learning to enjoy the slower pace. Keep writing [as I know you will]. It’s always great to read your thoughts and processes.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can relate. I’ve been in a funk for months (if not all year). Ahem. I think you’re on the right track observing what’s going on and giving yourself grace. Lately, I’ve been learning to focus on the moment and whatever task I’m on and letting the rest go. Hope things get better for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Well for one thing you can recognize that you are just where a person normally is after a family death. They say there are 5 (or 7 depending upon your philosophy) stages of grief. 1) Denial 2) Anger 3) Bargaining 4) Depression 5) Acceptance Being in stage 4 after a year is most common and normal. Not that it helps much to know that but don’t feel bad because you are struggling with loneliness, regrets etc. It is normal.

    I decided to stop worrying about the future the day I outlived my mother. I have already had more years on this earth than she had. It isn’t worth worrying about but I totally get the desire to see all those things you mention. I want to see Grandchildren happy and married and great-grandkids etc. It’s totally understandable. I think it’s because we can’t imagine the glory that heaven is going to be. We don’t understand how much better it is going to be than what we know on earth. And I think in some ways God hides that from us, the fullness of it because if we truly knew how glorious it is going to be in His presence we wouldn’t be able to stand it here.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “And I think in some ways God hides that from us, the fullness of it because if we truly knew how glorious it is going to be in His presence we wouldn’t be able to stand it here.”

      Thank you for this. It makes me feel a lot better — kind of makes me feel like He understands why I would want to live a long life and be here for all the family things to come, since I don’t really know any better.

      By the way, I miss you. I am thinking I need to either (a) find an afternoon you’re available to meet up and do something fun, or (b) tag along on one of your adventures with your grandkids. LOL I vaguely remember your kids getting excited that you’d found a Xanga buddy years ago. 😀

      Like

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